Sunday, October 10, 2010

Roller Coaster

I haven't bloged since i moved to this house, mostly because of the Rollercoaster that is finally coming to an end. Normally I talk things through and not write, I am not a writer really. Especially when it comes to grammer. A lot has happened in the last 3 months and its all in my head now and being analyzed and relived some nights. Where should I start really? is the question. I'll start with God and prayer and how it has affected my outcome and my surrival through a terrible time.
I got married 8 yrs ago to the man who I loved and prayed would live after his heart stopped in a heat stroke while working. We had already had our 1st child. I knew we weren't perfect and that it would take work to make a marriage work and it sure did. I had to trust him and I grew to pray first and ask questions later... their were issues with parenting that i could deal with and as long as their was communication I was happy. We had another child quickly, then before i knew it i had 5 kids 3 i gave birth 2 I accepted into my life and never plan to deny them in my family... They are apart of my family I told him I wasn't going to start something and then not finish it. One important lesson I learned from my mom is that the children are never to blame and I didn't want them to feel like they were. I always craved family relationship as a young adult and I had sisters that I didn't have a relationship, so when I learned that my daughter and sons had 2 sisters that they didn't know it was clear to me that they would definitely have a relationship and that I would be able to put aside my feelings and communicate with the mom (we now talk all the time and have a great relationship) I played the part of wife even when I didn't want to and I stood with my husband and defended him against comments that were made and I trusted him, always praying for the truth to be revealed. During this time I had scripture to keep me going. I forgave and moved on we had a healthy marriage my family and friends believed. I didn't gossip to people and I promoted that marriage was a team. I still believe in marriage and that God can heal people I don't think that my marriage is going to be reconciled at this point their is no evidence of remorse or any proof that he is going to get better as he has already found someone ( no shock to me, because nothing surprises me anymore) I feel in that God released me and wants better for myself and my children. God prepared everything in advance, living situation, school for my youngest is all day everyday kindergarten in the neighbourhood God choose for us... Jeremiah 29:11 for i know the plans i have for you says the Lord ... When I had the proof I needed, I felt the rollercoaster actually stop for a moment, i felt released as a wife and now began the journey of being a single mom, what I grew up with. I am determined not to fall down because of it. I still am called to serve and love working with the individuals I support. The amt of time I work now is less and yet I am surriving on one income. God meets my needs week after week and I am able to give offering as well and I have great friends that are really my family. I never feel like I have no one to call because I know that someone is always available. I just recently got the kids connected because I want to be proactive in getting them support for what we are facing ahead I can't protect them forever against the reality that we aren't working toward getting back together. And in fact dad has a woman in his life already. I can't control these things but can get counseling so they can feel safe to discuss their feelings without hurting my feelings. I have noticed some different some change in attitude towards their dad lately my son whos 6 is not wanting to go with him and is passive aggressive my 4 yr old is aggressive and loud when upset and then my daugther is 8 and she is remembering things and certain events trigger memories of times when she was hurt emotionally and physically in her perspective. Partially true and definitely one incident for example - I asked him one morning to walk them to breakfast club because he was going to work for 9am and we live really close and he could drop them at 8am and arrive to work no problem. So he didn't want to rush and leave early but I said the I would get them ready and all he had to do was take them he agreed and went to get ready then he changed his mind and said he didn't have time after discussing it he said fine he would take the bus and they left the house only to return after 5 mins yelling at me from outside and blaming arrianna who was now crying and telling me her Dad hurt her on her cheek. She had said this before to me and I was stuck in the middle of her word against his (my husband). I asked God to give my guidance that night. He gave me verses to keep me strong. Romans 5:1 was one of them. I told arrianna I didn't agree with his behaviour that day...
So now in September this year I realized that she needed help with the things she has seen and remember because when I said Daddy is going to walk you to the open house at her school she remembered that day all over again and began to have anxiety and even cried.
We seperated at the end of May only a couple of months ago. The kids didn't really react when they realized their dad no longer was going to live with us, it was like they were relieved and not shocked at all. I haven't given them details of what happened and don't plan to until they are older and want to know what happened. I don't even speak ill of him because I believe they will figure it out one day and I don't want them to carry my offence and I will teach them about forgiveness and loving all people. Praying for the sinner as we aren't perfect too...