I am thinking and awake now so I am going to try what my bff is always doing. She types to work things out on her blog it really works for her and for me I am not sure yet what works.
Prayer of course works great... I just need an outlet for my thoughts as well right now. I know that God has me in his hands and I am under protection for sure. This is deep and hard to talk about without crying for me, at some point while typing I will probably cry.
The other day I was visiting with some friends and we were talking and then question came up whether I like someone again and if I would date someone if I was approached. I always say I am too busy to even consider dating with 3 kids on my own who are 4, 6, 8 and there dad is currently putting them to bed at night when I am working. Also I can hide behind the fact that I am still married to him.
So issue #1 is whether I should file for divorce myself. It was brought to me that if I know in my heart he is not the one I am supposed to be with and God freed me from the continious hurting. I know my mom has never actually paid for her divorce and I was thinking I am not the one who ruined our marriage, why should I pay for a divorce, if I do it then he is scott free...
And issue #2 is If I don't want to be alone forever then how can I date someone while in bondage to my husband I don't want to be with. That was the wisdom from a lady who has been through it and remarried.
And issue # 3 is does God want me to pray for his change and then take him back, I don't think so babout the taking him back part, but other christians sure do...God gave me a verse while going through this change and it was Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. I am praying for change in him fo himself and all the children in his life that need an earthly father. I am however not able to deal with his drama anymore and his baggage and I don't think I need too. I have said that if he were totally filled with the holy spirit and transformed that I might date him. In a previous blog I talked about what kind of Guy I am wanting, and how he #1 needs to have a relationship with our heavenly father already. later on in another post I will talk about forgiveness and how I am doing with that.
For now I am sure that I am dealing with my own life so that I don't bring emotional pain into a relationship. I for sure know that I don't want to be alone forever and that it would be nice to have a companion to talk to and go out with so that I am not accused of taking people away from their spouse and or family. I would hope that within their relationship they are honest with eachother and talk about time they want to spend together and say no to me when they want to be together. Most of the time I won't initiate hanging out so that I am not over stepping. I just wait for invites and phone calls.
Any insight on getting a divorce or not would be welcomed