Friday, December 2, 2011

Struggles

I love my kids and want the best for them, I struggle with asking for help and even with going to their dad for support. I feel like I'm controled by him everytime I ask for his help. I am an independant personality so its like he is taking my independance away. I need to remember that he owes it to the kids to give them money. Its not for me but for me to take care of them. I finnally got fed up this morning when I looked at my acct and he had shorted me $50, why do I expect him to stick to a plan I thought to myself and then he told me not to call him at work when its never been a problem before. I am finally at my ropes end with being misses nice ex and I am filing with the courts to have an order that outlines expectations clearly.
No more verbal agreeements, I have been more than co-operative. I even became friends with his girl friend who is now my sister and friend. The kids love her and she has always been on my side. The other day she dropped the kids off with him for a visit and afterwards he wanted to talk outside the car he grabbed her as she was walking away, the boys took that as he was trying to hurt her and they were very upset. My daughter later on was lying in bed and I thought she was sleeping and I was talking to him on the phone about the event and I said he would not be able to see kids unless I was home. He tried to change the subject and I yelled I hope you go to jail for hurting your brother, my daughter began to cry because she heard me and was upset that her dad would hurt his brother. I had to go up to her and comfort her and I apologized to her for yelling at her dad, she said he was mean and she didn't want to go with him anymore, I told her we could pray for him to make better choices. I hate having to explain to them each time he makes these choices.
The kids deserve to play sports have nice clothes and go to parties and events. I struggle with knowing that when I serve him, he will go into anger mode. I don't need the stress but will do it for the kids sake. He goes through life acting like he makes the laws.
His girlfriend is now serving the Lord partially because of the kids. Which showed me this is our mission field, being a family that serves the lord we set the example for others.
I always here of women who are just trying to hurt the ex and use the kids all the time to get to them, I don't want to be like this, I just want whats best for the kids.

With God all things are possible!!!
I need to remember this when I struggle
I have a good support system too and with out them I would not of made it this far, now I just need to remember to ask for help before the crisis.
thanks for reading and comment if you have any advice

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